What Skilled Leaders Notice When Tension Rises

October 11, 2025

Read Time - 4 minutes

“Conflict is inevitable, but combat is optional.”

— Max Lucado

Several years ago, when my department began modernizing our curriculum, I expected some pushback.

Any time you change something people have invested years in, emotions come with it — and we tried to prepare for that. We already had clear channels for feedback, through our curriculum committee and program coordinators, and most faculty used them thoughtfully.

But it was the few who didn’t that caught my attention and taught me something about how differently people express disagreement:

• Faculty #1 voiced their frustration in our school-wide meeting, loud and clear: “The curriculum committee is watering down academic rigor. We’re lowering our standards.” (Direct. Visible and intense.)

• Faculty #2 stayed silent but sent a long email that began, “Some of us are concerned…” and listed every perceived flaw. (Indirect. Conflict—avoidant through formality.)

• Faculty #3 didn’t raise objections directly—instead, they started pulling colleagues aside to “just share concerns,” slowly building a coalition of resistance. (Controlling. Conflict—influence and alliance building.)

By the end of the week, the curricular conversation had turned into a spectrum of behavior that can challenge leaders in different ways. Conflict isn’t one-size-fits-all. It wears different faces, and each one demands a different kind of attention.

A few weeks ago, I asked you what leadership topics you were interested in and the top answer—by a landslide—was handling conflict. The kind that eats your energy, makes you second-guess yourself, and follows you home long after the meeting ends. It’s a big, complicated topic, but one we can all work on.

So this issue launches a 5-part series on dealing with various conflict styles—how to recognize them, respond effectively, and eventually reduce how often they derail your work.

Each issue will unpack a different layer of the problem:

• Part 1 (today): How skilled leaders notice conflict styles before reacting.

• Parts 2–4: How to handle the Direct, Indirect, and Control types of conflict.

• Part 5: How to prevent unnecessary conflict and build a culture that addresses it early.

If you’ve ever walked into a meeting dreading an anticipated confrontation or how to handle a silent standoff, it's my hope this series will help.

The Leadership Takeaway

The first job of a leader in conflict isn’t to fix it — it’s to notice it.

Skilled leaders slow down before they step in, managing themselves before managing the room.

They also recognize something important: disagreement isn’t the enemy.

It’s often a sign that people care deeply about the work.

And the goal isn’t to avoid conflict, but to guide it — through clear, respectful processes that keep it from turning toxic.

Because if you don’t recognize the style of conflict you’re facing, it’s easy to respond the wrong way:

Overreacting to someone who just needed space.

Under-responding to someone who needed clear boundaries.

Missing a chance to repair a relationship when it mattered most.

When tension rises, skilled leaders get curious.

They listen for tone, body language, and patterns of behavior — the cues that reveal what’s really going on underneath the surface.

And when you start noticing conflict patterns, you can start to demystify them for others.

That’s one of the quiet powers of leadership — being able to model that disagreement isn’t a threat, it’s information.

When leaders handle tension calmly and predictably, they teach their teams that conflict isn’t something to fear, but can be part of progress.

What It Really Means to Manage Conflict Well

This may be a news for some, but managing conflict well doesn’t mean everyone always ends up happy.

It doesn’t mean colleagues suddenly become best friends or that tension magically disappears.

For skilled leaders, managing conflict means creating clarity where there’s confusion and calm where there’s heat.

For example:

• Concerns are heard and addressed respectfully.

• Expectations and boundaries are clear.

• The work can move forward without resentment poisoning it.

But here’s where it gets tricky (and the Stoics would have nodded along) you can’t control how others respond, only how you do.

Still, that truth can be hard to accept in practice.

Many leaders walk into conflict with a perfectionist mindset — believing that if we just say the right words, with the right tone, at the right time, we can calm the storm.

It’s a comforting thought — but also a trap.

Because conflict isn’t a formula you solve; it’s a relationship you navigate.

And relationships require two willing participants.

You can model respect, fairness, and clarity — but the other person has to bring openness and honesty too. And sometimes… they won’t.

That’s not a failure of leadership. It’s reality.

If you’ve been there, take heart — it doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong.

It means you’re doing the real work of leadership: showing up, staying steady, and choosing respect even when it isn’t returned.

Where skilled leaders stand out is in how they manage their own reactions.

Our tone, timing, and body language often determine whether a conflict calms down or catches fire.

When we stay calm, it gives others permission to do the same.

When we escalate — even subtly — others will match it.

So when tension rises, your greatest leverage isn’t the perfect argument.

It’s your presence.

And remember — calm doesn’t always mean instant peace.

Sometimes it means staying steady over weeks or even months while emotions cool and trust rebuilds.

The best leaders think long-term, knowing that how they respond today shapes whether reconciliation is even possible tomorrow.

That’s the quiet strength of skilled leadership: the ability to stay grounded when others may lose their balance.

The 3 Categories of Conflict

In higher ed, conflict tends to show up in three broad categories — each with familiar “faces.”

Please forgive the slightly 'unscientific' names, but that’s by design. It will help you remember them when it counts!

1. The Direct Types — conflict that comes straight at you

   • The Bulldozer: forceful, dominating, pushes their way through.

   • The Volcano: quiet until they suddenly erupt.

   • The Joker: uses sarcasm and cynicism as weapons.

2. The Indirect Types — conflict that hides beneath the surface

   • The Ghost: avoids confrontation, resists through silence or side emails.

   • The Victim: sees every change as unfair or personal.

   • The Avoider: dodges tough conversations, hopes the issue disappears.

   • The Historian: drags old grievances into every new decision.

3. The Control Types — conflict that centers on influence and manipulation

   • The Sage: the know-it-all who insists they have the right answer.

   • The Divider: builds alliances, shapes narratives, maneuvers behind the scenes to maintain visibility or control.

   • The Politician: performative loyalty with whoever holds influence, managing optics and relationships more than outcomes.

You may be finding that none of these sound familiar — and I hope that’s true.

But some of you are probably nodding your head as you recognize a few of these styles showing up in your hallways.

And if we’re honest, you might also recognize a few of your own quirks on this list.

That’s okay.

The key isn’t judgment — it’s awareness.

And once you start noticing these patterns, you can stop taking the behavior personally and start seeing it as data — information about what the situation needs from you next.

Try This Before Friday

Think of one recent conflict you’ve faced.

Which category showed up — Direct, Indirect, or Control?

• How did you respond in the moment?

• Which types show up most often in your world?

• Which ones push your buttons fastest?

• And which ones do you sometimes fall into yourself?

And here’s the kicker:

• which one do you slip toward under stress?

Let's start building that awareness.

The Bottom Line

Now that you’ve seen the faces of conflict, the question becomes: So what?

Here’s why this matters.

When you can name what you’re seeing, you can make better choices:

• Stay steady with direct conflict.

• Draw quiet voices back in with indirect conflict.

• Bring transparency to control-driven conflict.

For now, the work is to notice — and then normalize.

Because when you treat disagreement as something to manage rather than fear, you create space for better ideas and stronger relationships. Over time, your consistency becomes the system: clear expectations, fair processes, and a culture where tension doesn’t have to become toxic.

If conflict finds you this week try to see it for what it is: data, not drama. When you name it, normalize it, and guide it through a clear process, you transform it from something feared to something constructive. That’s leadership at its best — calm in the middle, clear at the edges.

That's it for today.

Thanks for reading and I’ll see you next Saturday.

P.S. Next week, we’ll tackle the first category — The Direct Types — and look at how skilled leaders stay centered when conflict comes straight at them. We’ll talk about what’s driving the behavior, how to de-escalate without giving ground, and small shifts that change how those moments go. I’ll also share a one-page Field Guide you can keep close to use as a quick reference.

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Whenever you're ready, there are 3 ways I can help you:​

1.) Get the free guide: Your First 14 Days. A clear, practical playbook for new leaders navigating their first two weeks in higher ed leadership. 2.) Coaching for New Academic Leaders: A focused 1:1 coaching experience for higher ed professionals who want to lead with clarity, build smarter systems, and stay centered on what matters most. I work with a limited number of clients each quarter to provide highly personalized, strategic support. Send me a message.

3.) Professional Development Workshops: Interactive sessions for faculty, staff, and leadership teams that help reduce conflict, streamline decision-making, and shift culture with smart systems. Virtual and in-person options available. Sessions tailored to your campus needs.